Four Loko versus the Operator Error

By Erica Clayton

I'm not so sure about what's going on everywhere else in the world when it comes to Four Loko, but in the Northeast, there's a big old controversy over whether Four Loko - and other caffeinated-alcoholic beverages like Joose, should be banned from the market. The rationale for banning these drinks is based heavily in the combination; that these drinks offer a dangerous combination of drugs that causes people to forget that they're drinking so much because the effects of the caffeine override those of the alcohol (ie: you drink 4L and don't realize how drunk you are because the caffeine is masking the effects of the alcohol) so you can stay up later and drink longer.

The deaths of several young people have been blamed on 4L, including one young man who drank 4L and then shot himself in the head. His parents claim that he had never been suicidal before and that 4L was to blame (keep in mind that he had at least four of these suckers). Other reports of young people going to the hospital after having several 4Ls have surfaced. Cases where kids are transported with heart trouble, lung trouble, alcohol poisoning and other conditions (including death) are frequent as the FDA discusses whether or not to allow caffeine/alcohol drinks to enter the market at all.

Well, here at TWTSB we are absolutely outraged, and that the FDA has some nerve to remove a product that we are capable of enjoying responsibly without dying. In fact, I attended No Idea Records' annual FEST in Gainesville, FL a few weeks ago and drank 4L all weekend without even a thought that I might be in trouble or that I might get sick? You know why? BECAUSE I AM NOT STUPID.

Let's take a look at the 4L stats, shall we? Four Loko is:

-6-12% alcohol, depending on state regulations (I drink 12% here in NY/CT)

- in a 21.5 ounce can (that's the same size as those $.99 Arizona tea cans)

-available in 8 tasty, tasty flavors (blue raspberry is my favorite, orange is good too)

-caffeine, and a whole bunch of it

-[was] available at most gas stations and liquor stores for a really cheap price (I didn't pay more than $2.50 a can)

Oh, and where is all listed? ON THE FUCKING CAN, YOU ASSHOLES. 4L didn't kill your kids, your kids killed your kids. If college campuses want to ban 4L, fine, that's no problem. If some stores want to stop selling it, also fine. But to completely take this awesome drink off the market because some college kids thought it would be awesome to drink 6 cans in 4 hours, even though the ingredients are listed RIGHT THERE ON THE CAN, plain as day, is absolutely absurd.

Let's think of other "dangerous" things that are "killing people" (because there's no user error in drinking yourself to death, duh)...

-Cigarettes

-Texting and Driving

-Dumb people being dumb

-Grain alcohol/Jungle Juice (if we're going for the alcohol thing, but I personally really like JJ)

-Guns

-Bees

-Peanut allergies

-Crack Cocaine

-Bears

And not to mention other alcohol/caffeine combos like rum & cokes, redbull and vodka, jaeger bombs, etc., I could go on, really, but by now hopefully you've gotten the point. If you haven't gotten the point, here it is: It's not 4L's fault you're dying, it's your own fault for not reading the can/drinking so much/playing Loko Hands/whatever you're doing to get so much of this stuff in your body. I'm glad to see the FDA can get something awesome like 4L banned but not something like cigarettes (just so we're clear, I do NOT think any of this listed items should be banned. Especially not bees because they make sweet, sweet honey).

I should not be prevented from enjoying 4L responsibly just because some dumb kids can't. I'm sorry that so many people are being hurt by these drinks, however you truly cannot blame the drink, only the person who drinks it. Nobody is forcing 4L down anyone else's throat (not that I've seen anyway, and anyone who IS doing that should STOP).

I though this was AMERICA! Land of the free! Free to drink Four Loko at my own risk! Just like I'm free to own a gun and drive a car and vote - barring any federal offenses and jailtime - I should be free to put Four Loko in my guts and revel in the drunken and alert mess that occurs. You cannot regulate common sense.

Companies that create energy/alcohol combination drinks have been served by the FDA and have been given two weeks to appeal, in writing, with the changes being made in their products. Phusion Projects (the makers of 4L) and Joose have agreed to alter their recipes under threat of product seizure. Their compliance with the FDA shows they're willing to do whatever they need to in order to stay afloat, but I just want everyone to know that I think this is a WHACK ATTACK.

Manly Morning Routines

By Doug Kellner

Alright, Susan B. Anthony, I'm no chauvinist- but I know that being a man in the morning is the most comfortable feeling known to humankind. And I'm not saying that everyone should do this, but if you have one of those... gestating genitals, and you want to know how to live in the ultimate world of hedonistic luxury, then cue up Bob Dylan's "The Man In Me."

Play it. It's the ultimate man song, from the ultimate man movie "The Big Lebowski." Mind you, everyone has talked about "The Big Lebowski" and how great it is- so the justice has been given- but, every man that enjoys TBL enjoys it to a point where they KNOW they are the only one who truly "gets" it. Welcome to the mindset of the man. You should love it by now.

So Bob's playing and you've got an erection. Push that anonymous girl out of your bed and throw her some balled-up cash. "Take that Jezebel, that'll cover the train ticket." Hopefully there's a train in your vicinity- if not- she's got some balled up money to flaunt to her friends. They'll have so much more respect for Jezzy. Put on some boxers, no, don't put on some boxers. To cover or not to cover. What if the roommate's here? Fuck it man, let's go bowling. You leave your room, no clothes on. Don't pee in the toilet. Showers are made for erection pee (the most hilarious of all pee, and the beautiful thing is that peeing in the shower doesn't necessarily mean you have to shower). Almost immediately your erection will be gone. Poof! Back to the moderately-impressive-flaccid-sized-penis. Brush your teeth- leave the toothpaste foam on your face. Wipe it with the t-shirt you're going to wear. Wear it. Grab some boxers, preferably used. Smell the areas that could smell horrible. It's a fine line between unnoticeable and noticeable (practice sniffing makes perfect sniffing), put them on. Mesh shorts are a-go-go.

There ya go, Humphrey Bogart. And the song just ended. Fully clothed, your day most likely follows these events:
-Change your car oil
-Build a stone wall
-Revolutionary War re-enactment
-Hate cats
-Purchase a handkerchief
-Use that handkerchief
-Refute paternity test results
-Contemplate "accidents" the mother of your child might run into
-Chase your child's mother with a fake gun
-Tell the police it was "a fake gun," they'll get it too, and chuckle.
-Tell your mom through the one free call you get that everything will be okay
-Convince yourself that things will be okay
-Sleep
-Wake up
-Walk into the bathroom, naked, erection
-Understand things are different in prison
-Much much different.

Ways to Look Like an Idiot: No. 1

By Erica Clayton

Welcome to the first installment of an ongoing piece called "Ways to Look Like an Idiot." These are in no particular order and will appear as we, at TWTSB, see fit.

Our first topic of discussion? Aluminum bottles. STOP USING THEM. I'm talking about these fine containers:

Ladies? You look trashy when you're walking around in your cutoff jean shorts and low tank tops, singing Pour Some fucking Sugar On Me at karaoke night with one (or two) of these babies in your hands. Because nothing says "I'm classy," like a cheap aluminum bottle-shaped can.

Gentlemen? If any of you ever think that approaching me while harboring one of these is a good idea, you would be best to think twice. As a matter of fact, I don't think any self-respecting person (let alone one you want to take home and fuck without getting any kind of disease) would allow themselves to be seen associating with someone who's got one of these in their hands. No, I do not want to go home with you; certainly not with that shit eating grin you've got on your face. I'm surprised your neck can even support your head with all that disgusting fucking hair gel that's keeping you looking suave on this fantastic Thursday night.

So why are people drinking out of these? What's wrong with a regular can? Or - god forbid - a glass bottle? OR HOW ABOUT YOU DRINK SOMETHING THAT'S ON TAP?! When I look around the bar and see these things I can only think about the people holding them. There are cargo shorts, sandals and button-up short sleeved shirts on stout dude-bros on the other end of those arms. You disgust me.

Stop drinking out of these things. For Christ's sake, at least pour it into a glass if you insist on drinking these beers. What's wrong with you? You look like an idiot.

These Lights Won't Guide You Home

By Erica Clayton

This past weekend I was delighted to make the journey from CT to Long Island (ugh) for a show my band was playing in Garden City (High School Football Heroes reunion). Although I was graced with terrible LI drivers across the Throngs Neck bridge (who apparently don't understand that "LANE ENDS, MERGE LEFT" actually means "MOVE THE FUCK OVER, THE LANE IS FINISHED" and not "Stay in this lane until you hit the barrier, then cause a traffic jam while trying to get over to an open lane") and idiots in CT driving 40mph in the left lane on 95, my real beef was with the trip home.

I headed out after the show around 1 with another band member in the passenger seat of my poor Ivic. Obviously it was dark out and there weren't many other people on the road, but I can't even count how many motherfuckers in big fucking SUVs pulled right up behind me on the highway with their brights on. Are you kidding me? You're on the HIGHWAY and your car is bigger than my house; there is a huge open highway with plenty of open lanes, and I'm chillin' in the right lane... why are you tailgating me with your brights on?! WHY?!

General rule of thumb: don't drive with that shit on on the highway. Even while on a highway void of streetlights, chances of you really needing those brights are slim, and they're even smaller when you're right behind someone else.

I get it, we all leave our brights on once in a while. I'm guilty of this. But I'm not a dickhole and I don't use them on the highway. And I DEFINITELY don't use them when there are other cars traveling either direction within a reasonable distance. We're not talking about the backwoods of bumfuck here, we're talking about the Hutchinson River Parkway and 684 in New York.

So for those of you who turn your lights up at night on the highway: fucking, STOP IT. If I was a cop, I would pull every one of you jerks over and give you huge tickets for being dickfucks.

Complaining: You're Doing it Wrong

By Christina Joniaux

Complain [kuhm-pleyn]: to bitch and wait for someone else to fix the problem.

Last week, as I was on my way to enjoy the wonders of bar crawl with the rest of the senior class, I heard a classmate complain about the fact that they were on a yellow school bus. Now, I know that a school bus is not anyone’s first choice of transportation - unless you are seven and wearing light-up sneakers - but transportation is transportation. On any other night, many of us would be giving our left arm to find a designated driver instead of paying the $12.75 cab fare to our favorite bar. Why is it that these people were complaining about free transportation?

As the night progressed I heard more complaints about paying for $2 drafts instead of $1 bottles, the fact that we HAD to move onto another bar, and even the fact that it was still light outside, which was affecting their ability to drink. This generation is so used to complaining because they believe they have been wronged in some way, or for the incessant need to hear their own voices. No one, including me, wants to hear about how mommy or daddy isn’t buying you a new car.

Here is an idea. Complain about something that is important like, oh I don’t know universal health care, and then (here's the trick) do something about it. There are people worse off than you! While I can’t say that $2 draft drinks changed my whole outlook on life and I will never complain about something insignificant again because, hello, I love to complain (especially about a lot of things that dumb people aren’t smart enough to figure out will fail). I can say that I have seen what complaining can do and will try and to make a conscious effort to complain for some good. If nothing else, in the end when you are winning awards after getting all the homeless people off the streets (after complaining about the lack of government funding for domestic issues and coming up with a program to help them), and you become extremely rich and famous, you can rub it in the faces of those who complain to their parents that they didn’t give them enough spending money instead of getting a job; making you more successful and the better person. Just remember who inspired you to complain for a change and hook a sister up. And that’s the way things should be.

The Way Things Should Be

The Way Things Should Be came about in a fairly interesting way. A bunch of friends and I work in an office. An office in the basement of a terrible, terrible building at the University of Hartford (just so we're clear, the office is fab. The building is not fab), where we produce the University's weekly student-run newspaper, The Hartford Informer. As we go through our daily routines and bump into each other throughout the day, we express our grievances and demand that we know what's best for humanity. Instead of doing anything about it, we Tweet it and put it all over Facebook and let the internet know how we feel in our blogs and other social networks.

While mocking the entertainment editor/fellow blog-mate/all around pal for HIS blog ( called The Truth About Music ), I came up with the brilliant idea to start my own. Why? Because I know what's best, that's why.

So take TWTSB, all of its contributors, its contents and its mission however you like, but know that you shouldn't really be taking us seriously. We don't even take ourselves seriously.