Manly Morning Routines

By Doug Kellner

Alright, Susan B. Anthony, I'm no chauvinist- but I know that being a man in the morning is the most comfortable feeling known to humankind. And I'm not saying that everyone should do this, but if you have one of those... gestating genitals, and you want to know how to live in the ultimate world of hedonistic luxury, then cue up Bob Dylan's "The Man In Me."

Play it. It's the ultimate man song, from the ultimate man movie "The Big Lebowski." Mind you, everyone has talked about "The Big Lebowski" and how great it is- so the justice has been given- but, every man that enjoys TBL enjoys it to a point where they KNOW they are the only one who truly "gets" it. Welcome to the mindset of the man. You should love it by now.

So Bob's playing and you've got an erection. Push that anonymous girl out of your bed and throw her some balled-up cash. "Take that Jezebel, that'll cover the train ticket." Hopefully there's a train in your vicinity- if not- she's got some balled up money to flaunt to her friends. They'll have so much more respect for Jezzy. Put on some boxers, no, don't put on some boxers. To cover or not to cover. What if the roommate's here? Fuck it man, let's go bowling. You leave your room, no clothes on. Don't pee in the toilet. Showers are made for erection pee (the most hilarious of all pee, and the beautiful thing is that peeing in the shower doesn't necessarily mean you have to shower). Almost immediately your erection will be gone. Poof! Back to the moderately-impressive-flaccid-sized-penis. Brush your teeth- leave the toothpaste foam on your face. Wipe it with the t-shirt you're going to wear. Wear it. Grab some boxers, preferably used. Smell the areas that could smell horrible. It's a fine line between unnoticeable and noticeable (practice sniffing makes perfect sniffing), put them on. Mesh shorts are a-go-go.

There ya go, Humphrey Bogart. And the song just ended. Fully clothed, your day most likely follows these events:
-Change your car oil
-Build a stone wall
-Revolutionary War re-enactment
-Hate cats
-Purchase a handkerchief
-Use that handkerchief
-Refute paternity test results
-Contemplate "accidents" the mother of your child might run into
-Chase your child's mother with a fake gun
-Tell the police it was "a fake gun," they'll get it too, and chuckle.
-Tell your mom through the one free call you get that everything will be okay
-Convince yourself that things will be okay
-Sleep
-Wake up
-Walk into the bathroom, naked, erection
-Understand things are different in prison
-Much much different.

Ways to Look Like an Idiot: No. 1

By Erica Clayton

Welcome to the first installment of an ongoing piece called "Ways to Look Like an Idiot." These are in no particular order and will appear as we, at TWTSB, see fit.

Our first topic of discussion? Aluminum bottles. STOP USING THEM. I'm talking about these fine containers:

Ladies? You look trashy when you're walking around in your cutoff jean shorts and low tank tops, singing Pour Some fucking Sugar On Me at karaoke night with one (or two) of these babies in your hands. Because nothing says "I'm classy," like a cheap aluminum bottle-shaped can.

Gentlemen? If any of you ever think that approaching me while harboring one of these is a good idea, you would be best to think twice. As a matter of fact, I don't think any self-respecting person (let alone one you want to take home and fuck without getting any kind of disease) would allow themselves to be seen associating with someone who's got one of these in their hands. No, I do not want to go home with you; certainly not with that shit eating grin you've got on your face. I'm surprised your neck can even support your head with all that disgusting fucking hair gel that's keeping you looking suave on this fantastic Thursday night.

So why are people drinking out of these? What's wrong with a regular can? Or - god forbid - a glass bottle? OR HOW ABOUT YOU DRINK SOMETHING THAT'S ON TAP?! When I look around the bar and see these things I can only think about the people holding them. There are cargo shorts, sandals and button-up short sleeved shirts on stout dude-bros on the other end of those arms. You disgust me.

Stop drinking out of these things. For Christ's sake, at least pour it into a glass if you insist on drinking these beers. What's wrong with you? You look like an idiot.