These Lights Won't Guide You Home

By Erica Clayton

This past weekend I was delighted to make the journey from CT to Long Island (ugh) for a show my band was playing in Garden City (High School Football Heroes reunion). Although I was graced with terrible LI drivers across the Throngs Neck bridge (who apparently don't understand that "LANE ENDS, MERGE LEFT" actually means "MOVE THE FUCK OVER, THE LANE IS FINISHED" and not "Stay in this lane until you hit the barrier, then cause a traffic jam while trying to get over to an open lane") and idiots in CT driving 40mph in the left lane on 95, my real beef was with the trip home.

I headed out after the show around 1 with another band member in the passenger seat of my poor Ivic. Obviously it was dark out and there weren't many other people on the road, but I can't even count how many motherfuckers in big fucking SUVs pulled right up behind me on the highway with their brights on. Are you kidding me? You're on the HIGHWAY and your car is bigger than my house; there is a huge open highway with plenty of open lanes, and I'm chillin' in the right lane... why are you tailgating me with your brights on?! WHY?!

General rule of thumb: don't drive with that shit on on the highway. Even while on a highway void of streetlights, chances of you really needing those brights are slim, and they're even smaller when you're right behind someone else.

I get it, we all leave our brights on once in a while. I'm guilty of this. But I'm not a dickhole and I don't use them on the highway. And I DEFINITELY don't use them when there are other cars traveling either direction within a reasonable distance. We're not talking about the backwoods of bumfuck here, we're talking about the Hutchinson River Parkway and 684 in New York.

So for those of you who turn your lights up at night on the highway: fucking, STOP IT. If I was a cop, I would pull every one of you jerks over and give you huge tickets for being dickfucks.